Hard question to answer? It can be huh… You matter! Honestly you should be asked how you are more often. Sadly that isn’t always the case or possible. So here I am asking you.
-I am also here to say to you and I –
Getting back on topic, I thought I would stop by to say Hi. While giving an small update. I’ve thought other then just talking about what is going on around me and in the world, I’d talk to you about myself and some thoughts that I’ve had.
Where do I start… Hmmm. I am not in depression, tho I’ve been there before. Although sometimes I feel like I’m dancing on the edges of it constantly. Yet, I am always having to be on guard, staying strong looking for those silver – linings…
Which reminds me of a passage in the Bible. Stay with me please even if you don’t belive. I’m not trying to sway you. I am a beliver in Christ, yes. Even if you are not, I wanna ask you to have an open mind. I wish share something that has helped me. Maybe it will help you. Maybe not… Please at least read the blog post in its entirety. Thanks.
Psalms 23 <KJV>
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
I’m not gonna dissect the whole thing. However, I feel it’s important to share the full character. What I want to talk about is this part- “Walk in the shadows of death, I will fear no evil.” I didn’t fully understand what the shadows of death meant for many years but now I feel like I do. I remember it like yesterday. I almost ten years ago, I was driving through a canyon. It was a sunny day out but the canyon cast a complete shadow over the long road that I was driving. Then suddenly it clicked for me. To me, that verse meant constantly surrounded by death, yet not dead. Not to be morbid, but true…
My life kinda drives that point home. I’ve had so many near death and serious life threatening situations; due to heath as well as just living.
Do you want a current example being surrounded by the threat of death. Many people would say covid (whatever you want to call it.) is right now the major death threat. Many would also say that it is everywhere and its breathing down our necks constantly… It is a threat in so many ways. A perfect example for my topic. We try to live on but everywhere and everybody effective, affected, and talking about it. Why… Due to covid our lives have been turned upside – down and inside – out. Why? Because the threat of death is scary!
This post isn’t about covid tho. I am just trying to make a point the fear of death is truly scary. You never bern afraid of death before, never had it thrown inbyour face so dramatically. Lets be real death is scary point blank! No matter where your faith lies. And- if – when your always afraid of it – then you’re not fully living…. That verse Psalms 23:4 points out the true fact Death is everywhere constantly threatening. To me that suns up depression pretty well too. Depression is a sickness based on fear, self worth ect… Always there hiding in the shadows waiting and wanting to attack! That sums up a lot actually.
With that said, It has not been easy for me to open up, let alone write for quite awhile now.
I haven’t been depressed, but I’ve been in the shadows of depression. For over a year now honestly. Not just because of Dad, but other things as well. I haven’t even touched my books in months. If you know me and follow me, you know how important they are to me. It has taken me weeks just to write this post. I have been emotionally and a bit physically feeling like I am running on fumes- out of gas.
Depression, fear, anxiety, and emotions, seems to been running rampant. Fear, especially of the unknown, is really trying to take center stage. For a while it was successful at it. Not just for me, for so many otheres, I know and some I love, as well peopleI have briefly crossed paths with. Fear is a powerful enemy. Just as depression, loneliness and self-worth. All the above is more powerful now then ever… These stresses’ can really wipe you out, and severely damage your life. Not just mentally and emotionally, but also they can be physically crippling. I do not say that lightly. 😒
Usually its best to go talk to someone. I’ve got God, Jesus, and The HolySpirit. For that. This is my go to verse, the one I live by. “The Devil comes to steal, kill and destroy; but I come to bring Life and to bring it Abundantly! –John 10:10 Along with “I am the good Shepherd; the good shepherd sacrifices his life for his sheep” –John 10:11
= Jesus. Jesus is my Shepard. So I will fear no evil, like Psalms 23 says. Even when it gets gets hard.
Personally I am just trying to adjust to a new lifestyle and re-figure out my place and goals. While I get through the grieving process of loosing my dad, my dog and our cat last year. I do not like to mention or talk about the rough hardships nor how negative it gets and feels at times. I don’t like to be weak or show weakness. But God showed me it is apart of the growth process and I needed to write about it.
That way I can help others like me maybe, you. I bet I am not the only one who feels down, and stressed too. But keep fighting for yourself, keep looking for the silver linings in life. They may be small but they can have huge impacts, if not now possibly later. Either way they’ll encourage you to smile even if its just for a moment. Trust me. I know. That one smile is a small step towards more smiles.
I remind myself everyday of all the accomplished and stuff I have been through.. which is a lot… Also that I have a purpose and I owe it to God, myself and my loved ones to stay positive and to keep smiling through it all. Especially when I don’t feel like it. I suggest that you also remind yourself of your own accomplishments big or small. Along with your survivals as well… I highly recommend you build yourself up especially when you don’t feel like it.
Here’s a few pictures to briefly recap some of the hardships that I have lived through.
These images are proof if I can survive this I can get through the current and forthcoming temporary challenge too.
Its hard for me to be vulnerable. I truly try to stay tough and cheerful. But when I don’t express myself I end you ferling worse then before or have an emotional moment. I tried to keep all the moments captured in images correctly ordered. It is a little hard to do via my cellphone. Sadly lost a lot of pictures due to computer and phone issues. Including the involuntary removals from social media sites. Thus, I don’t have many online anymore. I’ve learned that you just have to make the best of what you have. Easier said then done, I know… A lot of theses pictures are from previous blogs I’ve written. Some I may not have covered here but in preson, but will in my books. Don’t forget thatI and my mothe. Have some Video blogs on www.deeplyrootedinhim.net
Now here are some more positive memorable achievements and moments from my life so far…
This is not all I’ve survivied or accomplished. I don’t have the time or space to go over each event. I have years worth of posts here from instagram and Facebook as well. For you to read if you really want to know more. I promise to keep working on my books; those which I pray will change and help your life in a positive way. Not every day is promised so all I can do is give you the best I can and trust God with it.
I realized in doing this post just how much I’ve gone through and how little I’ve opened up about. Repression always cones out in some form. Sometimes not in the best complimenting ways. Thus it is better to talk about what goes on and what you neded. You matted. Don’t take the people in your life for granted, and open up to someone.
We are not alone. I have friends, family, and a wonderful man. Even if i was by myself I have my faith in God. I see Jesus as my bestfriend. With the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, in my life. As you do too if you so desire. That gives me and you a reason to keep moving forward.
I wake up and thank God for a new day. One full of possibilities and chances to spread love -joy, be productive, and spend time with the ones we care about. Its not always easy for sure, but its better to try then give up. My passion is to spread love and joy. To encourage you that you are treasure. That you are loved and mattered especially to God.
Here are some places you can reach out to if you don’t know who to talk to or don’t want to discuss anything about it with people close to you…
The mental health issues related to our lockdown and the pandemic are especially hard for people with depression. NAMI, The National Alliance on Mental Illness have a 24 hour helpline: 800-950-6264
NAMI offers support and education programs for families and individuals living with mental health conditions. NAMI recognizes that the key concepts of recovery, resiliency and support are essential to improving the wellness and quality of life of all persons affected by mental illness.
〰️Lifeline We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.
My sisters wedding was beautiful. I was very happy to have spent time with all the family. It was a small but wonderful wedding, one of the best I have been to! Plus it was a mini family reunion! She is so blessed so many people wanted to be there for her joyous day. The only thing missing were my brothers and aunt Christine. I still fel sad that Shane is now in heaven. But I know he is in a better place and I will see him again one day. I just hope he was able to look down and see her day.. Funny, I always though that line was a little cheesy, never thought it was possible. I mean I know they are always wit us.. Bit to say that myself… I feel the dept of those words… Pardon me while I go cry…
My Sister Amelia and I have come a long way in our relationship. I realized we both were a bit envious of each-other.. Silly how envy can tear people apart. I am so happy for her, beyond words. I think both my sisters are blessed with wonderful husbands! Now it’s my turn.. (I know, when the time I right I will have mine. I am not in a hurry!) My nephew was a doll!! I adore him… I miss him tons. I can’t wait till I see them next time!
I’m sorry I meant to keep this short. Last thing….
My files are a mess on the computer and in hard copies, andmy net is limited…. Thank God I have my computer back tho. I can’t wait to finish some of these books… I am so grateful that have the time and help when I need it. I have a bad habit of jumping in headfirst and catching up latter… Now her I am back to work and regretting my quick filing system. I have a lot of organizing, updating, formatting rearranging and lots of writing to do. Where is that personal assistant I’ve been meaning to find… lol… I would love to have an office to go to: with a huge desk, multiple display monitors, several computers, and a staff to help me. Maybe one day? Till then I have a apt, with a small office, 2 filing cabinets full of research and hard copies print0uts of my work, a Great Dane who is leaning when to settle down while I work… Mom said shes never met a Great Dane so hyper… God knew what I needed tho, I would be so bored and lonely with out her. I have a demanding but wonderful neighbors. I love the new place now, tho I have only been actually home here 1 moth, its like living in a yearlong vacation spot out of a book I’d read… So many wonderful wildlife, and I’m up high, so I have great views all around me… Thank you so much for sticking with me and continuing to support me with encouragement and pushing me to work… I have so many books in progress, I’ve narrowed it down to just 3 for now till they are finished…. God bless you all, and I pray you have favor in all you do!